Let me preface this post by saying, I LOVE MY MOTHER.
I really do.
But here’s the thing: she has no sense of direction. At all.
Setting the scene: Yesterday, around 4pm, I’m at my desk
surfing the web working. My cell phone rings. The caller ID says “Mom” with a picture of her in the kitchen, cooking.
Me: Hey, Mom, what’s up?
Mom: Hey, Honey. I’m lost, can you help me?
Me: Sure. Where are you?
Mom: Cobb Galleria. I’m trying to get to Harry’s Farmer’s Market… it’s now a Whole Foods, I think, but I got turned around with the “slight rights” and “slight lefts” on my GPS, and I’m somewhere on Circle 75 Parkway and…
Me: Ok, calm down. This is really simple. You need to get back on 75 and head North.
Mom: But this says I can take Delk Road, and…
Me: That thing also got you lost. Just trust me.
Mom: Ok. So, I’m heading 75 South –
Me: No, NORTH. 75-Northbound. Towards home.
Mom: Are you sure?
Me: Positive. You’re going to take it to exit 263, and it’s going to swing you around to the right, and then take your first left onto Powers Ferry.
Mom: Ok, hold on, I’m getting off the exit. Wait, it’s going right, I thought you said go left.
Me: I said the exit is going to swing you around to the right. See that traffic light ahead of you?
Mom: Yeah, I see it.
Me: You should take a left there. That’s Powers Ferry. It’s going to look weirdly residential for a little bit, and then, voila, you’ll see Harry’s on the left.
Mom: Ok. (silence for a few seconds) Darce, this is some weird residential area. Are you sure this is the right way? This doesn’t look right. I’ve never come this way before.
Me: 100% positive, Mom. The reason it looks different, is because you usually approach from the North. You came in from the South. And yes, it’s residential on the backside of the shopping center.
Mom: I don’t know about this…
Me: Mom, you want to know why I am 100% positive? The place I used to get a bikini wax is in the same complex. I could drive there with my eyes closed.
Mom: Ok, ok. (pause) What kind of bikini wax? How often do you go? Is it the normal kind that my friend gets? Or do you get the crazy Australian one?
Me: (snickering) Australian? Do you mean Brazilian?
Mom: Whatever one. Oh! I’m at the store now. But what kind do you get?
Me: I’m not discussing the state of my topiary, Mom. I love you. Am hanging up now.
Mom: One more question, Honey – how do I get home?